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In 6th or 7th grade my parents finally got a real computer, an IBM 386 SX 16mhz. From then on I was almost always on it and I soon decided to learn C. I searched around the BBSes I was on and found a text tutorial and on a long and boring trip to my grandparent's house, I began to read it. I was fascinated and I soon had my computer doing cool things like printing "Hello world". When I ran out of things to do with my computer I found a copy of the source to WWIV, a BBS program, and began to look at it for examples and to modify it in simple ways. I was already an avid BBSer and I began to have dreams of openning my own BBS. I wanted to call it Dragonfire.

I called myself Golden Dragon. Actually before I liked dragons I liked The Hobbit and wanted to call myself Gandalf the White, but unfortunately someone else had already taken that handle so I took The White Wizard. I had that handle for maybe a year before I fell in love with dragons and changed it. Surprisingly, I don't really remember there being a dragon in The Hobbit, but they tell me there was.

I began to help my friend who also knew C make modifications to his BBS and with much trial and error and the help of a few books I slowly became proficient with the language. Sometime after reading the Pern novels I decided I wanted to make a huge roleplaying system on my BBS based on them and have a graphical terminal program to run it all through. Of course I was biting off WAAAAY more then I could chew, but I did work diligently on my BBS and after a few years of not having enough money to buy a computer to run it off of, I had by far the most modified BBS in the area, even though no one could see it. Luckily I wasn't too stupid and I worked on more basic improvements before seriously tackling the role playing system I had planned. By the time my BBS went up in 10th grade I'd added things like an e-money system with bank and casino games, a time bank, 36 configurable colors along with a way to get any color you wanted in a post, a full screen editor to support it, and comments that were displayed at the main prompts that users could add to. As you might expect, most people decided to add funny comments, so after four years with over 2000 comments, there was a lot of good stuff. Click here to take a look.

My next big project was done for a geometry fair I was forced to participate in in 9th grade. Although it didn't have anything to do with geometry, I had a very weird teacher who let me write a game. I called it Rock Run. It was based on another game I'd had a lot of fun with on the Apple IIe, Boulder Dash. The main difference was that mine was black and white and done in ANSI. I displayed it at the fair on an XT laptop and it ended up being one of the most popular exhibits, especially after I decided to quickly add support for two players after the first day. =) My week in the spotlight passed quickly, but I'd spent a lot of time on this game (and the other math teachers wouldn't even give me a ribbon cause it wasn't geometry related! Humph.) so I decided to continue on it and maybe market it. Of course I didn't market it because I decided it was just too similar to Boulder Dash, but I did make it into a fairly fun little game. I found a way to change the standard ascii character set and after adding color, I soon had something that looked almost graphical. I went on to design another program you could use to design levels for the game which I planned to give to anyone who registered the game. Of course in these days of full screen 3D games, I'm sure I couldn't make a buck off my little game, so what the hell, I'll let anyone who's bothered to read this far have a free copy. =) And if anyone does happen to design some new levels for the game, feel free to mail them to me (using UUENCODE, BinHex, or MIME) and I'll put them up for others to enjoy.

As I mentioned on the art page, I'd made a graphical advertisement for my BBS which wasn't yet up, but no one would download it. Not wanting to waste the work I'd done on the 320x200x256 logo, I decided to try making it into an animated advertisement, often called a demo or an intro. I had an idea for what I wanted to do but when I tried software like "Intro Maker" I found it couldn't do what I wanted it to do. So what the hell, I decided to make something from scratch. Thus began my next project, the "Intro Generator". I began the project thinking I would make my program better then Intro Maker and everyone would think I was really cool and stuff, but of course that didn't happen. The main problem was that I couldn't seem to get assembly to work properly and so it was too slow in some areas. Then one day it started doing something extraordinarily weird which I couldn't track down and since it was already able to create the original advertisement for my BBS I'd imagined, I gave up on finishing it properly. Still, it does have a few neat features I haven't seen in other programs if you'd care to check it out.

Next I returned to my old dream of setting up a graphical terminal program. At this point I knew I wasn't going to have time to create the RPG game I'd envisioned, but I figured I could still give my users a nice graphical interface and maybe make a bit of money in the process. What did I call my graphical terminal program? Why, DragonTerm, of course. =) I've been working on DragonTerm for a long time. At this point it's maybe halfway finished, but I don't have much desire to complete it. With the internet becomming so popular, I don't think a terminal program for BBSes will be very much in demand, and with Windows and other graphical OS systems, my DOS term program is looking a bit pathetic. Still, I think it was a fair try and it looks pretty slick. I tried to upstage the current graphical terminals by using 640x480x256 mode with mouse support and codes to allow more then simple vector graphics, but actual GIFs or JPGs and MOD music files (sounds a bit like Netscape, huh?). If you have a PC you can check out DragonTerm or the DragonTerm Window (dialog) Editor. Otherwise click on the small screen shot to see how DragonTerm looks.

My most recent programming escapade was done when I first got access to the net. I was using archie and ftping around and I discovered that the net actually had the kind of source code and specifications I'd been looking for on BBSes all my (programming) life! Excited, I decided to design a screen capture program that could capture screens in the mysterious Mode X which I'd heard so much about but had never found any technical details on. Well the internet had details, and lots of em! I soon had a screen capture program that could work in any X mode (including split screen) in 16 or 256 colors. And of course it did normal 320x200 screens as well. Now you're probably thinking, "Oh boy, another screen capture program... Whoo hoo..." Ah, but this wasn't a normal screen capture program. Using two computers, this program could capture screens from any program, something I've certainly never seen before. I even set it up to capture sequences of frames so I could grab animations. Of course I don't want my little capture secret to become widespread so programmers start guarding against it, so unfortunately I can't distribute the capture program, but I will offer you the following selection of captured screens and animations.
Update: It seems Windows 95 can also capture graphics from most or perhaps all programs. But of course I wrote this long before Win95. And it would be extremely hard to capture animations with Win95's built in capture. So there. =)

It wasn't long after I got Windows 95 that I realized it would finally allow me to create 256 color mouse pointers. But not only that, I could animate them! I could have a walking dragon instead of the boring old hour glass! I went off searching the net for a utility that would allow me to create such cursors. I soon found it! Aniedit! Eagerly I installed it and tested it on the animated hour glass cursor. Success! It read it, I could edit it and save it... Ah bliss. Then I imported a new frame, a 256 color gold arrow cursor. I double clicked on it. What? The separate program that's used to edit individual frames of the animated cursor didn't recognize the format! They'd released an editor that could view 256 color animated cursors, but not edit them! Damn Microsoft... I began to hunt for a 256 color icon editor. But after a few days of searching I realized that such a thing just didn't exist. My dreams came crumbling down around me... But wait! Graphics Workshop for Windows could convert 256 color images to 256 color icons, and Aniedit could import 256 color icons! But again I was foiled... Graphics Workshop couldn't create transparent icons or set the hotspot for a mouse cursor. *sigh* Well, I figured, I'll just have to hack the file format myself. It took awhile to figure out the format, but here it is, MakeTrans, my own little program to add transparency or cursor hotspots to 256 color .BMP, .ICO, or .CUR files. And as an added bonus, here's a few animated dragon cursors I've made with it. Enjoy. =)

How to download: If you're using Netscape, hold down the shift key and click on one of the pictures below to download that cursor. I'm not sure about other browsers, it might work the same way, or you can probably right click (or hold down the button on a Mac) and get a popup menu and select something that sounds appropriate.

And to end my programming page? Why, it's Silly Programming Stuff (tm)!

If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

   Here's an easy game to play.
   Here's an easy thing to say:

   If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
   And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
   And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
   Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

   If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
   And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
   And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
   then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

   You can't say this?
   What a shame sir!
   We'll find you
   Another game sir.

   If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
   Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
   But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
   That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
   And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
   So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
   Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
   'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

   When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
   And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
   Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.
   Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!


SHIFT TO THE LEFT!!!
                   SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!!!!
POP UP!! PUSH DOWN! BYTE BYTE BYTE!


100 buckets of bits on the bus,
100 buckets of bits.
You shift one down, short it to ground,
FF buckets of bits on the bus.

FF buckets of bits on the bus,
FF buckets of bits...


'Twas the Night Before Implementation....

      and all through the house,
   not a program was working, not even a browse.

      The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
   with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

      When out from the machine room there arose such a clatter,
   I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

      And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
   But a super-programmer (with a six-pack of beer).

      His resume glowed with experience so rare,
   He turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

      More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
   and he cursed and muttered and called them by name:

      On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
   On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

      His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
   from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

      A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
   soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

      He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
   turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk.
 
      And laying his finger upon the  key,
   he brought it all up and it worked perfectly:
 
      The Updates updated; the deletes, they deleted:
   the inquiries inquired, and the closings completed.

      He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
   with nary abend, all had gone well.

      The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
   the users' last changes were even included!

      Yet the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
   "It's just what we asked for, but NOT what we want!"

                                       Author Unknown


BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES
--real stories from dell,compaq,and other help lines
- NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied.  "Foot pedal?" the technician asked.  "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."  The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse.

"A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not
work.  She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.  When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked,
'What power switch?'"

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users.  So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return
Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse.  Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on.  The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.  Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly.

At Apple one man complained about the ADB port; "This design is so
stupid," the man said ,"when I want to use the mouse, I have to pull the 
desk away from the wall, unplug the keyboard,plug-in the mouse, move the 
desk back, and then work with the mouse; If I want to use the keyboard
again, I have to do the same thing!" In reponse the operator informed him
"Sir, you can plug the mouse into the keyboard."

Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble
reading word-processing files from his old diskettes.  After trouble
shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan 
asked what else was being done with the diskette.  The customer's
response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the
typewriter..."

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request
that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A letter from the
customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the
floppy.

And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on,"
the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room.  The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."

A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.
He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and 
soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and 
washing them individually.

A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became
enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." 
Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and 
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.


IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
     
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about
foreign software.
     
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. 
Secretly, you wish it would.
     
HILARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year
later, in another directory.
     
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you 
just can't prove it.
     
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much 
of a threat.
     
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
     
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:  This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It 
warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by C.
     
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but 
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
     
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
     
TED TURNER VIRUS:  Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
     
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe 
cant figyour outt watt!
     
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic 
software says everything is fine.
     
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
     
GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent  
 of  their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of  error).
     
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
     
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
     
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side of the screen.  The 
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
     
AIRLINE VIRUS:  You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
     
FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own 
motherboard.
     
PBS VIRUS:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
     
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then  
self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural  America.
     
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
     
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
     
SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you order new cables, power 
supply, and a set of shocks.
     
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  Your programs can never be found again.
     
KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
     
STAR TREK VIRUS:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone 
before ...
     
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and 
sends you a bill for $4500.


COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS (as depicted in movies)
=====================================================

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or
some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand
graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful
text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).

All computers are connected.  You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen changes.  Some computers also slow down the output
on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a
dot-matrix printer. [See The Hunt For Red October or Alien]

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface.  Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion
that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the
data.  [See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October]

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function
(see Demolition Man and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually
appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for
a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens).
However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't
labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-
dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, [Jurassic Park]).


   Actual Dialog of a Former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee:


"Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

......"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good!  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


WARNING: Good Times Virus!  READ CAREFULLY!
 
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will
recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice
cream goes melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your wine, and leave
its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
pants, and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It will give
you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas
tank, and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back, and billing the dinner and hotel
room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to
sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your
boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is
dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub,
and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Goodtimes will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday
nights for two months after you get a new boy/girlfriend.  It will
place your wallet and/or keys on an obscure shelf in the basement.
It will emulate your face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom
window.

Goodtimes has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice.  9 out of 10
dentists recommend Goodtimes.


Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, 
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, 
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
     
     
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
     
     
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. 
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
     
     
Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...
     
     
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. 
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do. 
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
     
     
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
     
     
The weeks rolled by and things were lookin pretty bad. 
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. 
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
     
     
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
     
     
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. 
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. 
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
     
     
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
     
     
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, 
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. 
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm, 
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.


Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...


Y'all come back now... ya hear?


       If OS's were furniture


Furniture 3.1/Furniture for Workgroups
        A picture of furniture, draped over a pile of bricks.

Furniture95
        Colourful and inviting, but after about ten minutes of use, the
        furniture will fall apart, giving a "General Furniture Fault" 
        error.

FurnitureNT 4.0
        Looks just like Furniture95, but more durable.  You will not be
        able to sit on it unless you upgrade to newer pants, however.
        
MacFurniture
        Furniture for people with no sense of direction.  No matter
        where you sit, the furniture will be there.  Leaving requires 
        the permission of the MacFurniture, however.

Furniture/2
        Well crafted furniture.  Unusual colours just won't match
        anything, though, so you'll need to redecorate.  The legs are 
        designed so that you can replace the legs on DOSiture or 
        Furniture 3.1, making them stonger.

XFurniture
        It never falls apart, but you need to get a bigger house with
        stronger floors to hold it.  You'll also find that your
        neighbours will keep rearranging your furniture without your
        permission.
        
Liniture
        It's cheap, and you have to assemble it yourself.  Also, some of 
        the older pieces tended to explode spontaneously, but the new 
        stuff is pretty good.  You can now use one of the "Lurniture 
        distributions" that includes the tools you need to assemble it.

        The only problem is that because of the General Furniture License, 
        you have to give a copy of your sofa to anybody who asks for it.

FreeFurniture
        It'll use the same upholstery as Lurniture, but it doesn't explode 
        nearly as often as Lurniture does.  Of course, if you don't like 
        the upholstery on FreeFurniture then you can try out NetFurniture. 
        It's not quite as comfortable as FreeFurnture if you use the 
        'daemon' upholstery, but you can re-upholster it in many different 
        ways, and they all feel the same.

NeXTFurniture
        It's the most beautiful furniture you've ever seen, but it's
        more expensive than any furniture on the market.  Good luck
        finding it outside university-affiliated furniture stores.

DOSiture
        You can only use piece of furniture at a time, so you can't 
        invite friends over without being thrown out of the house 
        yourself. Also, for the same reason, the tables come with their 
        own built-in chairs and cupboards etc. (not to mention carpets 
        and paintings.) Actually, this is not quite true: specialized 
        furniture has been designed to pop up a table whenever you need 
        one, but you're never quite sure the chair won't disappear under 
        you when you use it.

Novell FurNETure3:
        Lots of people can sit on it at once, but if you invite guests 
        over there's nothing you can do to keep them from smashing your 
        furniture.  If you want to add some extra chairs you'll have to 
        replace all your furniture, though you might be able to use the 
        old furniture in another house.

Novell FurNETure4:
        Reupholstered FurNETure3, but you can now add chairs without 
        replacing all your furniture, and if you do a neat job of arranging 
        all your rooms will look like one big hall.

DesqFurniture: 
        This special carpet/closet combination enables you to keep 
        multiple sets of Dositure in one room.


OSFurniture/1 (Digital Furniture)
        Outstanding furniture. Comfortable upholstery, with soft leather,
        yielding, yet still providing firm back support. Strongly
        constructed, yet elegant. Large enough for many people to sit on
        it at the same time in comfort. Unfortunately, purchasing this 
        furniture requires a Furniture Maintenance Contract, which pledges 
        the owner to eternal servitude.

CF/B
        Originally "couches for feet & backsides", later retconned to 
        "complete furniture for buildings".  You have to build the legs 
        yourself for each building you put it in, but it's about the only 
        choice for small rooms.

VMFurniture (IBM)
        You can furnish your furniture.

MVSFurniture
        It's bigger than your house.  If you have to ask, you can't
        afford it.

Advanced Interactive Executive Furniture (IBM)
        Looks like UNIXiture, but the armchair's in the kitchen, 
        the toilet's in the lounge, and the bath is in the garage. The 
        toilet has no handle, so you have to use a special tool to flush 
        it, and you can't move any of the furniture yourself, you have to 
        get a guy called SMIT to move it for you.
        
AcornIture
        Conceptually similar to MacFurniture, but comes ready to use 
        straight from the box, and is a lot more durable than almost 
        any other brand, with the upholstery being tied to the furniture. 
        It is possible though to use it with variants of FreeFurniture. Can 
        support both multiple arms and aliens in the latest version, though 
        you may need a larger seating area to be of any use. Lack of any 
        serious designers for this brand though mean it is rarely seen 
        outside of UK schools.

               - Compiled from alt.sysadmin.recovery by T. Thomas Cheng


					 
      Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

 20)  Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
 19)  Fetch command not available on all platforms.
 18)  Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
 17)  Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
 16)  Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
 15)  Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
 14)  Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're
             browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
 13)  Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
 12)  Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
 11)  Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
 10)  Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.  
 9)  Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
 8)  'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS!  Now, cats, on the other hand...
 7)  Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
 6)  SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
 5)  SIT and STAY were hard enough.
 4)  GREP and AWK are out of the question!
 3)  Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
 2)  Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
  
       AND The #1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers is:
  
 1)  Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.